The Petition of Car-Makers
Petition of the makers of cars, trucks, busses, motorcycles, tractors, lawn-mowers, golf-carts, motor-boats and of constructors of roads, street signs, traffic lights, parking garages, piers, bridges, and anything generally concerning gas-powered mobility.
“To whomever is concerned in Congress”
“Honorable Ladies and Honorable Gentlemen”
“You are practical men and women, serving this great country, day-in and day-out, with attention for our economy as a whole, that we so dearly want to pass down to our children. But you also reject the abstract theories of ivory-tower “economists” and do whatever it takes to preserve our national producers and our national labor force. The key sectors of our economy, the pillars of our future.”
“We come with a proposal which will excite your common sense, your down-to-earth, one-of-the-people persona that makes us so proud. We are hurting sirs and hurting badly. We are suffering from the ruthless competition of one of the most efficient system nature as known. With its abundance of energy and creativity it is running us into the ground. So much so that we fear a foreign government might be behind it. Sirs, we are talking about none other than the “fit human body”. We are asking that you pass an emergency measure, effective immediately, that walking to school or place of employment be hitherto banned. Jogging, swimming, or any other activity meant to keep the body fit be abolished without further ado, lest our formidable technologies be shunned and left rusting by the side of the road or in the garages.”
“Members of Congress we know you will not take this lightly, but let us prove to you the importance of decisive action.”
“First of all, if people’s muscle tone and general fitness is reduced in this country, which national industry wouldn’t benefit? If people need more internal combustion engines to move around because their muscles don’t support them anymore, think of the makers of car-upholstery, car-paint and car-tires; think of the health industry, a myriad of new hospitals would have to be opened and people be employed to take care of the increased cases of diabetes and general obesity. This in turn would generate work for the road makers so people can get to these new state-of-the-art hospitals. More generally, think of time that would be saved if people stopped spending precious hours running around purposelessly and in obvious pain”
“We are confident Sirs that you will not heed the appeals of the so-called defenders of “free-markets” and “economic literacy”, as you’ve wisely done in these past few years. Those yahoos do not have the interest of our great nation at heart. Instead you will have the foresight to do the right thing now, before it’s too late, and to make sure the bans on exercise have maximum effect, please consider extending to us car-makers a generous bail-out in the amount of several hundred billion dollars. This will saddle the tax-payer with such a burden that no one will ever dare to waste any more time getting “fit”.